Lookingonthebrightside’s Weblog

Hello Lovely World

First off, this is not a place I’m going to pour my heart and soul out. There are loads of blogs where people do that if you want to know you’re not alone in the darkest hour or you want to get an insight into the suffering that’s part of dissociation, DID, MPD, whatever you want to call it.

I have been there. I know it’s important to get that stuff out. And I know it’s important to find other people in the same boat. It’s a pretty hideous thing to go through alone. I hope you find what you need. I’m sure you will. When I was first diagnosed (actually I knew what was going on a little bit before that), there was one UK site with positive information and a few in the USA. And a million scary sites that said it didn’t exist – or worse. I was soooooo desperate to find little threads of hope wherever I could find them. Apparently, people with DID are on the upper end of the resourceful scale. I do happen to agree with that now. You find what you need or you make do with what you find.

But nowadays I’ve moved on. I don’t have MPD, DID, whatever you want to call it anymore. But I do still dissociate. Not very often in any kind of problematic context, to be fair. And not to such a great degree. I don’t lose awareness of the rest of me. I don’t split off. I don’t wonder what yesterday was about. Or worry that I’ve said or done things that will get me into trouble.

Mostly, my dissociation is a good thing. Because no part of me is really hurting anymore. I just need a day of playing now and again. Or I need a day of talking theology because I want to understand the meaning of the universe. Or I need to be completely alone because I’m not a people person. Or I don’t believe in God and I have to keep my mouth shut. It’s pretty much like anyone else really. But those bits are perhaps more separate to each other than they would be for most people. I’m going to resist the urge to try and justify that statement. It’s just the way it is.

Anyway, life is good. I have friends and family I love and who love me. I have a nice house that I’m very happy and at home in. I have pets I adore. I go on holiday. All the usual stuff. And I’m training to be a mental health nurse. It’s fun being at University, all the more because I didn’t ever think life would be bearable, let alone okay, let alone good, let alone successful. It’s like a big unexpected bonus. And the placement side’s okay. Being a student on placement isn’t easy. But I think that’s the case for pretty much anyone! But the work itself will be fine I think.

The trouble with Uni (and ultimately the reason for this blog) is that when you’re studying, you can’t order life around your resources all that well. You need an evening to play but you have to write an essay. You could do with some prayer from church because there’s deadlines and you need to focus but you just don’t really believe. You need to be alone because people are just an effort but you have to sit with your schoolmates and try to be how you normally are. For HOURS. I think I’m going to come undone a few times. It’s not that bad. I’m undone now. I just have to make the space for it.

I have another blog, a blog where I blog my life, my family, the funny things that happen. But the trouble with blogs is they gradually get a wider audience. My family read it. My friends at Uni read it. People at church read it. Mostly it’s fine. But just now and again I want to say stuff that I don’t want the whole world to read.  I don’t want anybody feeling responsible for me or my stress levels. I’m VERY good at taking care of myself. I don’t want relatives the other side of the world who have no clue about anything thinking of me as a wierdo. I don’t want my mum losing sleep. I don’t want my sister knocking the door asking me if I’m okay. The thing is that then I wouldn’t be okay. Who would with all that?

This blog is a place where I can say it’s all a bit much, I’m coming undone or whatever. Because sometimes that’s just how it is. No big crisis. But it’s nice to be able to express it and say the word dissociation. It’s also a place where I can say how surprised, grateful, lucky, I feel about my life now compared to then. A place where I can say I don’t believe in God today. A place where I can say I do.

No names. No photos. All very freeing.