Lookingonthebrightside’s Weblog

I just thought I would come and say hi. I don’t feel very dissociative anymore. And, to be honest, it’s pretty excruciating to read this blog. When I’m not dissociative, which is most of the time, I have a fairly integrated view of myself. I see myself as a whole unit. I feel whole. I’m not saying I never feel slightly younger, older or a bit spacey. But I think it’s at about the same level as everyone around me. It’s how I imagine everyone else feels. Personality is a bit fluid anyway I think. I don’t find this blog triggering. It doesn’t upset me. It makes me feel slightly ashamed. Not because I feel bad about what’s written. But because I have no awareness of feeling that way. Which makes me a liar. I think I must’ve been playing games. For attention or something. Exaggerating it all for effect. That’s basically why I stopped participating on dissociative communities – online and real life. Because the freedom to be very honest is there, everybody is very honest. I was very honest. I would go back the next day, see words next to my user name, feel like a liar, then hate myself for a bit. All very bizarre.

Even though I’m much less dissociative, I’m still pretty vulnerable at times. Sometimes it really impinges on life. Mostly, I don’t cope well with severe stress. I overreact in the first instance. I need to eliminate all stress factors. There’s no concept of reducing stress and navigating my way through it. I feel totally overwhelmed. And I can’t think. All the worst case scenarios go round and round in my head in a loop. Nowadays I do know what I’m doing. I do know my thoughts are the problem. I know it’s the way I’m looking at things that’s causing the panic, not the situation. Most situations in life are do-able, one way or another. There’s usually a realistic satisfactory outcome to be found.

I’m really looking forward to the day that I can bypass the agonising traumatic process and go from recognising the problem to finding the realistic satisfactory outcome. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do it without a level of anxiety. All to do with cortisol. Apparently, the research says that people’s wiring is affected by repetative trauma. You really can’t help some of the response. Loads more cortisol is released under stress. Some of it’s just biology. I find that strangely reassuring.